A Leap in Review
I ushered in 2015 weeping over a bottle of Korbel stuck in the classic paradox, "I'm not crying because I'm drunk, I'm crying because I'm broken!" Despite being surrounded by loving friends and family, I felt like I was at the bottom of a very deep and dark hole confronted with the uncomfortable question: "Who am I living for?" My parents? Unrequited lovers? OT clients? My bank account? The bathroom scale? Trader Joe's Cookie Butter Ice Cream?! I didn't know exactly what the answer was, I just knew I definitely wasn't living for me.
On January 1, 2015, I made the decision to quit my occupational therapy job by August so I could focus more of my energy on acting and comedy, which was a tough decision considering how much I hate disappointing people. Thankfully, my boss made it pretty easy on my first day back from the winter break, clairvoyantly asking, "Katie, do you need to talk to me about something?" I guess I'm not very good at being mysterious or elusive. So, I told her I'd be leaving in August, after directing SunKids Summer Camp of course, because obedient Katie couldn't fathom giving any less than 7 months notice.
Making this job-quitting decision seemed to fuel the increasingly insistent and persistent voice in my head saying, "Remember you promised yourself you'd move away some day when you're an adult? You're an adult now! Move somewhere new! Have an adventure!" So I decided to move to New York and convinced my boyfriend of four months to move with me. This is how that went: "Hey, Eric. I think I need to move to New York this year. Do you want to come?" "Yep!" Easy. Then I told my parents I'd not only be moving but I'd also be living with a boy. Not as easy. We don't need to get into it.
So I did it! I quit my job and moved to New York! Of course it hasn't just been the overly-glamorized social media-depicted joy ride that might look like from the outside. There have been plenty of downs amid the ups, including:
Sporadic just-moved cries:
On night 1 when Eric didn't put his arm around me walking around Harlem in the dark even though he never puts his arm around me.
On day 2 in the middle of Target in the Bronx when I asked Eric if he was hungry and he said no and I was hungry but I didn't want to say I was hungry if he wasn't, but I was really hungry.
On day 3 when we had to do a bunch of public transporting to the airport and it was hard.
Discovering that it is VERY easy to find an OT job in New York and accidentally finding 3 part-time jobs, then having to quit one of the jobs, triggering my "don't disappoint people" anxiety.
Realizing all the "mosquito bites" I was getting were actually bed bug bites! This was horrible, but is now officially resolved, so please don't be afraid to hug me.
Sleeping on an air mattress for 3 months, partially due to fear of buying a mattress in case of lingering bedbugs.
Springing a tiny leak in said air mattress--a leak small enough that it was impossible to find for 3 days but big enough to make me wake up angry and engulfed every morning.
Over-inflating and exploding two sections of said air mattress as depicted below:
For weeks, our biggest argument was "Whose turn is it to sleep on the lump?" The answer to that question should have been "Buy a futon immediately."
So, no, not everything about my move to New York has been accompanied by a state of unparalleled euphoria, but in all honesty, a big part of it has. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm writing my own story. I'm writing the whole thing. I'm finally listening to and acting on my own intuition instead of the "shoulds" in the back of my mind. It is empowering to realize that not everyone needs to like me, but as long as I'm true to myself, no one can take away my authenticity.
This year, I've managed to crawl out of my very deep and dark hole. It hasn't been easy and the living isn't easier out here, but it is clearer. I know that I'm living with more intention now. I'm not at the end of my journey by any means, but this feels like a good time to share these reflections with you. Thank you for being part of my year of growth. Thank you for fueling my first timid wisps of self-assurance with abounding support and encouragement. Thank you for helping me see that I don't need your permission to follow my intuition and live for me.