I Went Undercover as a Female Comedian
New joke I wrote this week:
"It's strange how gradually we grow up, like I don't even remember growing boobs. I do remember when everyone else realized I'd grown them. All the boys went from making fun of me for being smart to pretending to be interested in my ideas."
Too real, right? Sometimes I do feel like I'm undercover in the male-dominated arena of stand up comedy. Having gone to an all-girls high school and then entering a nearly all-female profession of Occupational Therapy, I've never really been faced with people treating me differently or not taking me seriously on account of my vagina...UNTIL NOW! I've done my best to navigate these encounters with optimism and sincerity. Here are some direct quotes from my past week
"I heard your set. You're really pretty."
...said a scrawny gentleman with a gray beard after an open mic. Me: "Thanks, that's nice...actually that's NOT nice!" SGWGB: "I'm not trying to be nice, I'm trying to be funny." Me: "Well I'm not trying to be pretty, I'm trying to be funny!"
Thank you, sir, for later saying you "Wouldn't fuck with me if you didn't think I was funny." Your validation means the world to me.
Also, thank you for so earnestly trying to convince me that I "don't need to be doing this," because I'm "so much prettier than I think I am." Cue One Direction's You Don't Know You're Beautiful. I get it. I was asking for it wearing glasses, giving you hope that you might be the first person to ever tell me I'm not that bad looking, finally fulfilling your wildest fantasy à la My Fair Lady, She's All That, and every other girl with glasses becomes hot when guy tells her she's hot movie.
But most of all, thank you for divulging that you did a stand up class once. And then did one open mic. And then quit stand up forever because there's "too much bullshit." Now I understand that you are just a very insecure little man trying to find a nice girl who's on the low end of the confidence teeter-totter to pull down with you into your sad, safe little cave of "bullshit-free" fear.
"Ooo look, a girl with glasses! She probably has low self-esteem and has never heard of contact lenses!"
"So do you do a lot of woman humor?" - a male comedian making small talk before an open mic
mmmm...I say things that happen to me? I'm a woman so maybe that counts? Do you do a lot of man humor? Do you know what man humor is? No? What's woman humor? Is it humor a woman creates? If so, I do exclusively woman humor because I write all my jokes. Are you asking if I have a ghost writer? Are you offering to be my ghost writer? Do you have any man jokes you think I should say?
Male comedian: "Hey. Do you have a boyfriend?" Me: "Hey. Yes." MC: "Fuck. Cool." [Insert period of eternal silence after previously friendly relationship]
I'm not saying I'm offended when guys ask me out or anything, but I do hate feeling like I'm apologizing when I offer my friendship to someone. Could you please be less bummed? It's just a shitty feeling to hear, "If there's no chance of us dating, I have no reason to talk to you."
I realize this might sound like a cynical, negative, sarcastic post--which it is--but honestly, I find these mild brushes with sexism to be more invigorating than they are disheartening. Never-be-afraid-to-raise-your-hand Katie isn't going anywhere. Now I get to have a "workplace" with some gender bias! Fun!
That's my set list on my hand and my umbrella and purse between my fingers. I didn't even realize they were there when I was taking the picture, that's how good I am at managing my belongings on the subway.