Over-Confident Crop Top Girl

Six months ago, one of my good friends tied a red string Kabbala bracelet to my right wrist saying, "This will keep negative thoughts from coming your way and an keep your own negative thoughts from hurting other people. Keep it on until it falls off naturally and when it does, pay attention to what you were doing because you'll learn something about yourself." (Upon Googling Kabbala bracelets right now, I learned you're supposed to wear it on your left wrist or it doesn't work. So all my good luck and positive experiences over the past 6 months may have been a placebo effect. So much to unpack.)

I'd been eagerly awaiting the day my Kabbala bracelet would fall off because I can't resist learning things about myself (and because it'd be cool to have my wrist back)--and yesterday it happened!! Of course I diligently pulled out my notebook to record the stream-of-consciousness experience and today, I present that to you with minimal edits:

My Kabbala bracelet just fell off. I was deciding what to wear for the first meeting of a new sketch class--specifically I was doffing a black crop top t-shirt and a slightly too-tight bralette that I was going to wear with high waisted floral pants I just got from a clothing exchange party. Here was my thought process: I want to wear this crop top because fuck it, I can expose an inch of my stomach despite feeling like I've gained weight recently (which I most likely have since I've re-added sugar and flour into my diet, but also I'm not weighing myself so I have no idea, but also the number on the scale doesn't define me as a person and I'm working on loving my body no matter what it looks like and that includes letting myself wear whatever I want). But I don't want to make a first impression as someone who is confident enough to pull off a crop top because I'm just BARELY confident enough to do that. Do I want all of these new sketch friends to see me as "over-confident crop top girl"?! Screw what those people think, Katie, just be you! Wear what you want! Well if I'm being honest, this bralette is super uncomfortable because I put it in the dryer by accident and the band got way too tight. (Inner-critic: Or maybe because you're getting fat? Me: NO! I said we're not body shaming ourselves anymore! IC: Okay fine, you're not fat it's the dryer thing.) You deserve to be comfy! Let's wear that stretched-out Lululemon bra you bought on sale 3 years ago and refuse to get rid of paired with a regular-length t-shirt tucked into these comfy floral print pants. We'll save the tasteful mid-drift for another day.

So I think we learned that I definitely still have body image issues, but I'm also pretty aware of them and actively fighting to love myself through them! And what I ended up wearing is THE COMFIEST OUTFIT I OWN and I've worn it on 4 separate days this week (the crop top was going to be my wild departure from this now tried and true ensemble). If you see me in floral pants any time soon (you will), know that it feels like I'm wearing pajamas.

Thanks for the bracelet, Mike!